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Mud, mud, glorious mud... or not as the case may be. Find out about its health implications here.

Health

Mud slinging

Thunder rolls, lightning strikes, it pisses it down and strange-looking creatures crawl out of the swamp. It's festival time. You're going to get dirty, get used to it!

It's a simple equation: rain + field + hundreds of pairs of feet = big mud. Festival organisers kindly try to mop it up a bit by chucking a few handfuls of straw at the problem every now and again. The straw usually has a good laugh at them and floats to the surface of the puddles.

The irritating, sloppy, oozy stuff gets everywhere. Even the cleanest amongst us will find muck in our tent, in our hair, on our clothes, and wherever else you care to imagine. Yes, even there.

Apply once daily for three days

Some hardcore grimy types even go so far as to roll around in the mud. They should probably be reminded that it really isn't anything like the stuff you get in a health spa. Wrong kind of mud pack, people, and you won't get a lovely warm white fluffy towel to clean up with afterwards, or meet a nice masseuse called Tina.

Festival mud is different. TheSite.org's highly scientific analysis of its composition reveals it to be made up of equal parts of cowshit, rain water, overflowing chemical toilet effluent, half-eaten noodles, salmonella, burgers and germs. Don't be tempted to eat this stuff, especially not the noodles and burgers. The argument of 'it's only a bit of dirt' won't wash here, and neither will you.

Bugged out

Bacteria such as E coli come from cow dung and sewage, love breeding in those stinky puddles, and can easily be transferred from hand to mouth, causing diarrhoea and vomiting. You'll never last in the queue for the portaloos - and even if you get to one in time, expect to be stuck in there all afternoon. Ten seconds in one of those turd tardises is 10 seconds too long for anyone. To escape this horrible punishment, take a small pack of baby wipes with you, and clean your hands before you eat.

Tetanus spores live happily in the soil and can get into the body through even the tiniest wound or scratch. Tetanus infection has become rare in the UK, but it can kill. The incubation period is about four - 21 days, followed by muscle stiffness, lockjaw, sweating and fever. Make sure you've been immunised against it, and go to the nearest medical tent if you do cut yourself to get the wound cleaned. You may need a booster shot.

Festival-goers were famously treated for trench foot a couple of Glastonburys ago. It's caused by having cold, wet feet for several hours, and the symptoms are tingling, itching, pain, swelling and blisters. Seek urgent medical attention, or try to avoid it by taking your wellies along with you. After all, you can get them in all sorts of pretty colours these days.